Ego trip

The fact is - she once wrote - nothing's new under the sun.

Now, when you stand still among the crowds in a busy airport and you see the girl staring at you, you know you are about to have the time of your life. It's that or you are about to make one unforgettable mistake. Whatever the situation, you will always remember - and say to yourself - there was no way out. As inevitable as tidal waves chasing you in your wildest dreams, throbbing experiences will leave you asking for more.

I can not say I knew everything that would happen between us the minute I met her. All I can say is that I knew - God knows I knew - she was so meant to be mine.

I felt the vibe.

She looked at me like someone who had far better things to worry about and decided to quietly hold my hand and follow me through the exhibit. She always had this particular way to reach my soul when holding hands, you know, like when a girl makes you feel the manliest of all dudes on Earth. As years passed by I learned how dangerous it can be to let honey-bunnies have this power, but I was young back then and honestly didn't care at all.

We took some lame pictures and agreed on heading back to the hotel. On the subway, we were talking about the things lovers talk: non-sense kind of I-love-you-baby chit-chat stuff. I don't know why I ended up talking about my wish to be in the middle of Red Square, right in front of the Kremlin, drinking vodka and dying under the unbearable cold weather as an all-time, most-wanted, impossible-to-miss, hidden desire to visit Russia. Her reaction, as unpredictable as all her being, was something I thought I had already gotten used to, but she caught me unguarded. Again.

Would you like to go with me? - I enthusiastically asked, maybe adding one of those "baby" or "darling" words at the end of the question. Her face turned into an expression that reminded me of someone who is forced to do something really - and I mean, really - boring for the nth time. I loved her eyes, but this time they did not have the tenderness and sweetness I had become so fond of.

Been there, done that - she said.

So what? Let's go together this time - innocent me insisted.

Nah, she said. And there it was. This one nah is the most annoying negative answer I have ever gotten. I hated it back then, and to be honest, I still do. Just have your girlfriend use a cat's-meow-like "nah" and you'll see what I am talking about.

Time passed by and we did not go to Moscow, and for this matter, anywhere else. We evolved into the broken-hearted couple type, one of those with great memories, unfulfilled wishes, and bittersweet distance. At least that was something I knew how to handle with her four-word formula ("been there, done..." well, you get it).

We shared the fake feeling of truly believing we were special, that our bond was. Who would like to admit that such intense, passionate, crazy and perfect love is a mere requisite that must be achieved when in your twenties? Our self-alienation from this world was purely based on the perception of pain and experience. Both can kill.

That she will love me forever is the fact.